Plagiarism is all the rage in the literary world. In fact, getting caught is worth more in free publicity than a dozen books tours or ads in Publishers Weekly. I'm going to be up front about it. These are the people I've "borrowed" from already -- and will continue to do so, until I get some ideas of my own. (Which is pretty unlikely.)

DOMINICK GIANNATASIO. My dad. Not a writer per se, but note the similarity in our last names. (I knocked off an n, which makes the charade virtually undetectable.)

DAVID SEDARIS. Note the similarity in our first names. Also, he writes a lot about his family, and in this very piece, I've already mentioned my dad. (When I introduce myself as "Dave" I'm stealing from Dave Eggers. I just wanted to make that clear.)

ANDRE GIDE. Not so much in terms of style or theme, but I sure didn't pick up this Gaelic accent growing up in Connecticut.

ANDRE DUBUS III. I've lifted whole passages from him at one point or another. That's only right, as he's obviously ripping off the original Andre Dubus. I mean, dude, come on -- that "III" isn't fooling anyone! (The earlier Dubus, incidentally, stole his "Andre" from Gide.)

CLIVE BARKER. He writes horror. And my work's sometimes described as "horrible." Also "bloodcurdling."

DOMINICK DUNNE. He probes into mysteries. Some people say it's mysterious that I keep getting published. (Also, my dad's already set some precedent by swiping this guy's first name.)

A.M. HOMES. I just want to borrow a cup of flour. She can keep the cryptic prose.

J.K. ROWLING. I'd like to borrow $50,000 for a down payment. (Where'd she get the idea for those gender-neutral initials instead of her first name? See above.)

THE AUTHORS OF "THE HONDA CIVIC HANDBOOK, REVISED 3rd EDITION." Plot only. (The dialog I stole from a roomful of monkeys using typewriters.)

DAVID GIANATASIO. I've made a list of the similarities in our work and plan to sue myself for everything I've got.

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