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**PRINT: THE2NDHAND’s 31st broadsheet features a short by Portland-by-way-of-Montana writer Aaron Parrett that captures the power and glory of ambivalence after, during, and prior to what the unemployed poet-protagonist comes to clearly see as, if not love, then surely "Tolerance," the story's title. Parrett is the author of The Translunar Narrative in the Western Tradition as well as numerous stories that have been featured in lit mags around the nation. No. 31 also features a piece by Kyle Beachy, author of the newly released novel The Slide, out from Dial Press, and a vanguard discount coupon and special FAQ from the herbal remedies and soap makers at The Left Hand (thelefthand.net).

**WEB: STOIC COMMANDERS OF FAT MALE THIGHS, Part 3 Marc Baez
VERY SMALL CURES Alec Niedenthal
DIARY OF A PHONE SEX OPERATOR Peepshow Girl
MY OWN PERSONAL GLOBAL WARMING Christian Rose
TWO SHORTS FROM DAVID GIANATASIO David Gianatasio
THE CRASH OF THE AVALON Jasmine Neosh
DRINK IT IN Damian Caudill
MIXTAPE: LA LA Quincy Rhoads
HIDEOUS BOUNTY: G.O.D. | Andrew Davis
WING & FLY: BEST OF 2008: SACRIFICIAL CIRCUMCISION OF THE BRONX, review | Todd Dills

STOICE COMMANDERS OF FAT MALE THIGHS, Part 3
---
Marc Baez

HOW THEY HATE HAIM
I wonder if Haim realizes he sucks when he's not on crack
Whistling at the rubber ducky like it was a real dog
All his insane dreams
Aspirations to ride electronic kid horses outside supermarkets
His socks look like a homeless person
Why didn't he just kiss girls instead of taking pills
He looks like my neighbor
The circus goes around in circles
I wish I could get fucked on pills and play the keyboard and make everyone in the room sit there and listen to me
The 80s were all about pretending that talentless fucks had some sort of gift
Watch seahorses swim by in Tahiti? WHAT THE FUCK
Porked out bottled up inside high as a mother
Cute girls walking in his shoes
Haim acts all wise then falls flat on his face
Neonsurfer
Molested by Michael Damien
Something tells me he spent the license to drive money a LONG time ago
The arrogance, the alligator, the shitty keyboard playing
That's just a Canadian accent
He's hardly Richard Burton or Orson Wells
He's hot well was
I wanna stick my ass in his face
And he has shitty tattoos

Columbia College Fiction Writing Department

TO ALL HAIM HATERS
Dollface hurricane anger artist
Skull on herione
Pressured by the greatness
Blank stares performing surgery
I want to rest my cock on your scalp
Let the good times roll
A bare hand to discover
Crack stem in bushes
Spoiled pig nipple
Kisskiss boots
Help build a hurt man's self-esteem
You love Corey Haim, but you mask your feelings with satire
Corey's always in your bedroom when you dream

STARFACE
Did America abandon him, or did he abandon America?
He forgot his lines (but not the ones in his pocket)
All these hurricanes passing by
I WANT TO BE HIGH
Lay under tigerbeats
But I'm just a manual labor Charlie Brown
Fat Godamn motherfucker
Delivering pizzas for Papa John's Pizza in a 1989 Honda Civic
But the only kind of MAN who can relate to Corey Haim would be one like me
The rest are peasants
I AM SO MAD AT COREY RIGHT NOW I COULD JUST SCREAM

ME, MYSELF AND I
Bubble alligater for the pool
Shit on keyboards
Baby ass fool
Double lipped charisma
PerpEtual
I feel like EINSTEIN, man!
Frost the tips of my hair
Hair is hot. Every motherfucking minute of it.
Kick into the funky dance
My mouth just feels real good
Funky hip pop jam
Well, you do, I do, and..... Still
I must not know anything about cocaine
Prince is the future of things
Dolphins and Seahorses
I think we are all born with a certain inner rhythm
SURROUNDED BY GROWN MEN
Things are rolling
I'll dibble-dabble at the keyboards
Grow Personally
Fuck to Endless Hell
Down-to-earth cuties are weak muscle relaxers easily put into crackhead positions
New obsession peeps
Put you in the choir baby
Acting is not the only thing I can do
My depression stems from my inability to "recreate" former experiences
15,000 Swatches on one arm
There ARE jobs available
Japanese funk is going to make a huge comeback one day
On the good ship lollipop
Z Cavaricci pants and silk shirts for everyone
My Mom still blows up my rafts
Chills run up my back
Neon shorts
I'm into the musical part of things
Neon/Yellow/Green/Whatever
Lets get all funky and just...

Part 1
Part 2



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OUR FRIENDS AT The Left Hand make great soap, salves, balms and other natural hygiene-type stuff, in addition to publishing a zine and running a book swap, a performance series and more from their Tuscaloosa, AL, homebase. When they offered to make something for us, we jumped. We introduce THE2NDHAND soap, an olive oil soap with a quadruple dose of Bergamot, "for the readers we've sullied..." Price is $6, ppd.

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