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**PRINT: THE2NDHAND’s 31st broadsheet features a short by Portland-by-way-of-Montana writer Aaron Parrett that captures the power and glory of ambivalence after, during, and prior to what the unemployed poet-protagonist comes to clearly see as, if not love, then surely "Tolerance," the story's title. Parrett is the author of The Translunar Narrative in the Western Tradition **WEB: HIDEOUS BOUNTY: BLOOD BROTHERS | Andrew Davis
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TRADE IMBALANCE
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David Gianatasio
Gianatasio is author of the Mind Games
Welcome to my trade show/industry event/professional symposium booth! Here, have a pen -- it's also a flashlight. What's the theme of my keynote address? Let's just say it's a forward-focused defense of out-of-the-box thinking, teamwork and technological innovation. My kid Josh helped me write it. We just took the training wheels off his bike. Here, have a coffee mug -- it's also a sextant. Layoffs!? We've had a few. Times are tough since that SEC investigation. If my brother-in-law didn't own the place ... well, you know. He's eligible for parole next year. Here, have a pocket protector -- it's also a pneumatic drill. Hey, no pictures of the booth! Sorry, our lawyers won't allow it. Company secrets. (The new logo's not trademarked. In fact, it's AT&T's, but we leave out the second T. So far, no one's noticed.) You're staying at the Four Seasons? Nice. Me? Oh, I just sleep in the booth. Gotta keep expenses in line. I don't mind. We put a shower in back. And there's always leftover food at the Cisco display. I think it was pizza last night. My stomach hurts. HEY! I SAID NO PICTURES! Are you live-blogging for a trade site? Is that Twitter? ARE YOU POSTING DIGITAL FOOTAGE OF ME ON THE INTERNET? Well, um, cut it out. OK? Here, have a T-shirt -- it's also a hand grenade. By the way, what do you think of my Robo-Chicken costume? Check out the beak -- it's also -- wait, I can never remember -- either a defibrillator or a three-piece living room set.
DUMB SETTLEMENT WITH THE FTC FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BOXBOROUGH, MASS.-- While admitting no guilt whatsoever and re-asserting our previous denials of any wrongdoing or illegal conduct, Durable Unlimited Multipurpose Boxes (DUMB Inc.) has agreed to pay $50 million to settle our case with the Federal Trade Commission over the allegedly misleading advertising and labeling of our products.
OK, the stuff's not particularly durable; it isn't available in unlimited quantities; it's unsuitable for multiple uses; and, when you come right down to it, we don't even make boxes.
Happy now, FTC?
Look, I've got two ex-wives and two current wives to support. Plus one kid at Harvard and another at Yale. They didn't actually get accepted, they're just squatting in unused classroom space. Still, they have to eat -- don't they?
I've got a lifestyle to maintain and only 105 IQ points to get the job done! I'm in debt to Pakistan, National Public Radio, the Mafia and the Archdiocese of Greater Rochester, N.Y. Only one of which lets you live if you miss a payment, and it's not the one you'd think.
You know how much it costs to heat an indoor pool!? I do, because I Googled.
My father didn't win this company in a crap game -- and I didn't bribe my way through the Sloane School of Management -- to give up now.
I must soldier on as an entrepreneur because, if nothing else, I know how to spell the word entrepreneur. Thank god for spell check. It's addictive, just like cocaine. Which is also an addiction of mine, and an expensive one at that.
The point is: As a convicted felon, who'd hire me except Dell Computer?
Why doesn't the FTC go after them?!
I'll tell you why: Their track-pads collect fingerprints for the FBI. I know, because I Googled. Sure, that information was on the 88th page of results, but that's where the TRUTH is. Dell pays for everything on the first 87 pages.
WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Windows Vista my ass!
OK, as long as I'm in mea culpa mode ... I didn't bribe my way through the Sloane School. It was only Wharton. Jesus, how much more do I have to debase myself? And my kids aren't squatting in Harvard or Yale -- it's just Quinnipiac Community College. And I'm not 100% sure both kids are mine. Paternity tests take time -- I'm a busy guy with a lifestyle. Jesus!
Have a heart -- Ira Glass is parked across the street in a tan Capri and he'll take a shot at me if I pull up the shades.
OH GOD, DON'T LET ME DIE SO YOUNG! I JUST KNOW THEY'LL BURY ME IN MY GREY SUIT AND THE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK A LITTLE "HIPPY." IT'S TRUE!
Anyway, moving forward, this company will change its name to one we believe is more accurate but won't necessitate revising the logos on our trucks: Dirty Unreliable Malfunctioning Bidets.
To recoup our losses, we're suing our ad agency, which developed our previous "This box rocks!" commercials, and launching a new promotional initiative: "Have a nice bidet!"
With any luck, we'll corner the gag-gift market in Holland by year's end.
Furthermore, I'd like to apologize to the Republican State Committee and withdraw my candidacy for governor. I never filed the paperwork and I'm not a resident, so the point was probably moot anyway. As for my landslide victory in the primary, well, every ward has its price, and I hope Leo and the boys enjoy the timeshare in Boca. ;-)
O-kay, I'm the one squatting at Quinnipiac Community College ... and I can only spell it because I Googled. MEA FREAKING CULPA, JACK!
Oh, please see the attached prospectus about our upcoming IPO. YES, it's Visa's prospectus with our company's name substituted for "Visa," but let's not stand on ceremony.
As for the police digging up my backyard, well, if they find any bodies, let's just say the house was built on an old Indian burial ground. PROVE IT'S NOT TRUE!
And let me conclude by saying ... HAVE A NICE BIDET!
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David Gianatasio
MORE BY DAVID GIANATASIO
OUR FRIENDS AT The Left Hand make great soap, salves, balms and other natural hygiene-type stuff, in addition to publishing a zine and running a book swap, a performance series and more from their Tuscaloosa, AL, homebase. When they offered to make something for us, we jumped. We introduce THE2NDHAND soap, an olive oil soap with a quadruple dose of Bergamot, "for the readers we've sullied..." Price is $6, ppd.
**BOOKS BY THE2NDHAND CONTRIBUTORS at Amazon
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