CHARACTERS
BILL -- early 30s, in working-class garb/work pants, thin button-up shirt, etc. Somewhat soft spoken, normally, but Leron can draw him out of his shell.
LERON -- early 30s, in camouflage with leaves and small limbs attached to his person. He's the leader. He has a more gruff style of speaking.
GARDENER -- indeterminate age, wearing work clothes.
JAMES -- 50-60, dressed in middle-age yuppie style, thin, wears glasses, balding.

TIME
Now

PLACE
California

SCENE: Yard in front of a mansion.
AT RISE: BILL and LERON enter, sneaking into the yard. The first few lines of dialogue are delivered into walky-talkies as they sneak through bushes and trees towards the house, punctuated by loud crackles and noise from the walkie-talkies. Leron is dragging a little red wagon full of beer.

BILL
I don't know about this, Leron.
(Beat)
Leron? Can you hear me?

LERON
Say over. You got to say over when you're done talking. Over. See?
(Half Beat)
Over.

BILL
Oh.... Over.

LERON
One more time on that, good buddy, I'm gettin' some static. Over.

BILL
I said over... Over.

LERON
Roger on that. Over.

BILL
You think this is gonna work? You really think she'll like it? Over.

LERON
10-4 good buddy. She'll piss purple for a week. Over.

They're close enough to speak in person, which Bill does, but Leron continues using the walkie-talkie.

BILL
You're right. I mean, it won't make up for all the stuff I did...all the times I got drunk and missed her school stuff...that time I thought her bedroom was the bathroom...all the other stuff I can't remember...but maybe it'll keep her from hating me completely. You know?

LERON
10-4 good buddy. Over.

BILL
Maybe she'll even love me again, like when she was a kid. Before all the hormones got to her.

LERON
You deserve it, good buddy. Over.

Bill snatches the walkie-talkie out of Leron's hand.

BILL
Will you quit that?

LERON
Roger-dodger. Over... This is a damn fine endeavor, I tell you that much. Finest thing I ever been a part of.

BILL
You think so?

LERON
Shit yeah. My daddy never woulda done this for me.

BILL
Yeah. My dad never threw me a birthday party. He hated them. Said it was like every year I had to rub the biggest mistake of his life in his face. Hated birthdays. Said his own birthday just meant one more year God had refused to let him die...

LERON
My dad hated everything. Sorry bastard. Did I ever tell you about when I bought "Sweet Baby James?"

BILL
Huh-uh.

LERON Well gimme a fresh one.

They huddle behind bushes and drink beer as they talk.

LERON
I must've been like...12, maybe, had this little job mowing yards in the neighborhood, to get some cash, for pixie sticks and sodas.

BILL
Yeah. I used to do that. Widows' yards, and this oriental family.

LERON
Yeah, shit like that. So, this was back when "Carolina on My Mind" had just come out, and it was real big. All the kids at school had it, and I wanted to get it, but my dad hated anything wasn't played by Hank Williams. Turn off that long-haired, dope smokin', devil music, he'd say, when we were in the car and I was messin' with the radio. One time my sister brought in this Grateful Dead album, the one that had "Truckin'" on it? That she bought with her babysitting money. And he took one look at it, and just threw it in the fireplace. If Mom hadn't been there...

BILL
That was a good album!

LERON
Yeah, well... I was down at Ben Franklin's looking at the comics, this one time... And Old Man Edwards, he had "Sweet Baby James," "Mud Slide Slim and the Blue Horizon," just got it in. So I got it, took it home, just like all the other kids, right?
(Half Beat)
And I was smart, see, I hid it from the old bastard, and I only listened to it when there wasn't nobody around. I'd keep it real quiet; watch the driveway and everything through the window, so I could see if anybody was coming. And when Dad pulled up, or my sister got in, or something, I'd run and turn it off and hide it. It took me two weeks to get through the first side. But I didn't care, I was savoring it... I'd been hiding it in the toilet, in the tank. So I wouldn't get caught, cause my dad would've beat the shit out of me.

BILL
Didn't that, you know, mess it up? The water, I mean?

LERON
Not really. It ruined the liner notes, and the album cover, and everything, they started fallin' apart after a week or so. But the record itself was fine. I'd take it out and wipe it off, it'd be good as new...so anyway, it was working like a charm, until the toilet started leaking.

BILL
Uh-oh. Bet you were in trouble then, Sonny Jim.

LERON
Yeah, cause my Dad was the first one to notice it when he got home from work. So he was already pissed off, and he takes the lid off the tank, and there's this long-haired, dope smokin' devil music... I swear to God, he beat me nine kinds of blue. Broke three ribs. Made me eat the album. Eat it, water-logged liner notes and everything.

BILL
(Tickled)
Damn, Leron.

LERON
I didn't mind. Sort of like...meant James was closer to me, you know? Like he was inside of me. Like...I had a friend in me.
(Bill ponders this)
I got to stay out of school for a while though. Cause he beat me so bad. He told 'em I had pneumonia or something. Taught me a lesson, though. Toilet's a shitty hiding place.
(This sets Bill off again, laughing)
The day after that man died was the happiest day of my life, cause it meant I could buy every album I wanted. To this day I sometimes drive over to the cemetery just to piss on his grave.
(Singing)
Any time, day or night, all I have to do is call, the caretaker's name, and he comes runnin', to let me in...
(Beat)
He used to know my daddy, years ago.

BILL
Yeah. Every cloud's got a silver lining, I guess, Leron.

A figure enters through the door and turns to lock it. This is the GARDENER, but Leron and Bill think he is JAMES.

LERON
This is it, you ready?

BILL
I don't know about this, Leron.

LERON
You wanna make Carolina happy, don't you? It'd break her heart if you backed out.

BILL
I guess.

LERON
Too late to guess now. Come on. Let's do it

Leron produces a black bag. He sneaks up behind the Gardener. Bill reluctantly follows. Leron throws the bag over the Gardener's head and both grab him.

LERON
Don't make a sound, Sweet Baby James, don't make a sound.

They tie the Gardener's hands and drag him behind the bushes.

BILL
She's gonna love me for this, right? It's gonna make up for everything? Jeez, are you sure we should be doin' this?

LERON
Keep Carolina in your mind, and your mind on your business, Bill.

BILL
Right. Sorry.
(Looks at Gardener)
Wait... Is that him? He looks kinda big...
(To the Gardener)
Mr. Taylor?
(Pulls the bag off)

GARDENER
Are you the fucking INS? Look, just because I'm a gardener doesn't mean I'm an illegal alien.

LERON
Oh man.... Look, we're sorry.

They untie him and make a show of brushing him off.

BILL
Oh shit! We're sorry. Oh shit! We thought you were someone else! I knew this was a mistake! What do we do now? We're fucked!

LERON
Give him some money.

BILL
What?

GARDENER
Yeah, give me some money.

LERON
Give him some money.
(To Gardener) He probably pays you shit money, right?

GARDENER
Pretty much.

BILL
(Pulls out his wallet and offers the Gardener some cash)
Here. We're sorry. Please. We're so sorry.

LERON
Give him more than that, Bill, shit. He's a workin' man. Got bills to pay.

BILL
Well...how much?

Leron grabs Bill's wallet and hands the Gardener some money.

LERON
Here.

GARDENER
Thanks. So you guys are like, stalkers? Don't get a lot of stalkers here anymore. They do down the street, at Frank Stallone's, for some reason. People just see the last name and go ape shit, then they find out it's Frank and not Sly, and well, there's nothing quite as sad as a disappointed stalker.
(Beat)
You're not going to like, start mailing your pooh here or anything, are you? They had a problem with that at Yasmine Bleeth's house a couple years ago...

LERON
No, we're cool. We're just big fans.
(Handing over some more money)
Say, could you...do us a big favor and not call the cops or anything?

BILL
Please. Please! We're really sorry.

GARDENER
(Considering the money)
Yeah, well...If you let me go. And promise not to do anything weird-er, I'll promise not to tell anyone.
(Takes the money.)

BILL
Yeah, sure. Deal. Hey, what's he like? What's it like working for him?

GARDENER
He's got mirrors in every room, and the cleaning staff has to clean them every day. And every time the phone rings, he's like, 'Did Carly call? Was it Carly?' I hate that. But he's a good guy...real mellow. Hey, I gotta go. If y'all do do anything weird, try not to do it in the garden, 'kay?

LERON
We promise.

GARDENER
Cool. Later.

He walks a few steps off, pulls out a cell phone and dials it. He exits quickly, talking in the phone.

LERON
Wow. Sort of like, I dunno, seeing God clip his toenails or something. Seeing that he's just like you and me. Hey, what's wrong? Drop your last beer?

BILL
I can't believe we got the gardener. I'm so stupid! This is never gonna work.

LERON
Bound to happen. Think of it as a trial run.

BILL
We should just go. I'll get Carolina a pony or something.

LERON
How are you gonna get a pony? Does she even like ponies?

BILL
No.

BILL
(Beat -- Bill becomes dejected)
You know, the first time I heard him, must've been when "You've Got a Friend" came out. My mom got me the album for my birthday. Woke me up early and gave it to me. I could tell something was wrong, with the way she was acting... So I went and put it on, you know, and listened to it, and it was so good, you know, that first time you hear one of his songs, and it's like…heaven. I got so lost in it, that the next thing I know, my old man's there, and he's like, where's your mom? And I tell him I don't know. Well he says she's gone. But the music's still going, you know, so I'm kind of not listening to him, and he asks me something, but I don't hear it, so he smacks me hard on the side of the head, and he says, where'd you get that? Talking about the album, I guess... I told him Mom gave it to me, then I guess she went somewhere, and he starts slapping me, just slapping me on the head, you know? And he grabs me by the collar, by the back, you know, like a cat picks up a kitten by the scruff of its neck? And he drags me upstairs and throws me down on the floor in front of Mom's closet, and he pulls out one of her dresses, and he gives it to me. Then he makes me put it on, you know, and he says; now you're the Momma.

LERON
That's some heavy shit, Bill.

BILL
Yeah, then he says since she gave me the album before she left, that means she sort of... picked me... to be her... successor.

LERON
Damn.

BILL
Every day for the next six months he made me wear her clothes. Made me wear dresses to school.

LERON
Didn't the teachers notice?

BILL
No, see, what I'd do, was I'd hide some clothes in a drainage ditch down the street, and change... They noticed I smelled like shit, though, from the ditch, and they started making me take baths in the nurses' office. Every day. After like six months, you know, I ran away. Lived on the streets till I was 15. Right after that's when we hooked up. Remember? We were staying at the Y, and we snuck into that concert? He played "You've Got a Friend," and it was like, we did. It's like James was our friend...

LERON
I remember. Good times.

BILL
It's like, if James sees my family, sees how good they are, you know? Sees little Carolina, I mean, how could he not love her, you know? It's like...James is like the worth-a-shit-dad I never had.

LERON
Yeah. He'd like 'em. Be crazy not to.

BILL
If he just met them and saw how nice they were and everything.

LERON
He will, Bill.

BILL
I mean, I'm not sure if what we're doing is right, but it'd be worth it, whatever happens.

LERON
All the shit we went through for him, he owes us. If we ain't got a friend in him...who do we have?

BILL
Yeah? I mean...it's like...a couple hours ago, I thought this was the only way. But now, I'm startin' to sober up, and I'm not so sure we're going about this the right way.

LERON
What you gonna do, hire him? He probably charges a couple hundred bucks to play.

BILL
But what if he won't play?

LERON
We'll make him.

BILL
But Leron, I mean...

LERON
Look, we bought his albums, supported his art. Took beatings for it, and now we're just askin' for a little back. Besides, this is it, buddy. Carolina's growing up, you don't have a lot of chances left to make things up to her. Pretty soon she's gonna be too old, and it won't matter anymore. I know, I been there. My daughter leaves the room when she sees me. She fucking hates me. She wouldn't piss down my throat if I was dyin' of thirst in the Sahara. I don't want you to have to go through that. Cause it sucks. You got to do something that matters. Now. Before she's old enough to move out.

BILL
I guess you're right.

LERON
Damn right I'm right. You're lucky you know what she likes. My daughter listens to a bunch of keyboard shit. Computerized shit. We'd have to kidnap Bill Gates or something. Whatever happens, you're trying to make your daughter happy. For once in your life, you're thinking about somebody but yourself, see? And that matters.

BILL
Yeah, you're right.

James exits the house, turning to lock the door so that we see very little of him.

BILL
Jesus, it's him!

LERON
Let's do it.

Bill and Leron sneak up behind James, throw a bag over his head and tie his hands together. James makes muffled screams and cries for help.

BILL
Got him! Oh jeez! I have all your albums. I'm such a fan.

LERON
We were hoping you'd do us a favor, Mr. Taylor.

BILL
She's gonna be so excited...

Sirens approach.

BILL
Oh shit, it's the cops.

LERON
Come on, big shot.

Leron pushes James ahead of them. James falls to his knees.

BILL
Careful, he's got to be able to play.

LERON
Sorry, Mr. Taylor. Let me help you up.

They help him to his feet. The Sirens get louder. They all exit quickly.

BLACK OUT

MANDY

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